Whoa this is gonna feel a little more intense then I think expected. Last night I sat in my hotel room watching the Grammy's here in NY. I had been sick all day for some reason and was feeling kinda down. I watched Beyoncé come out and perform, and regardless of my love for her I noticed a few things. She was proud. Proud to carry that belly, she touched it and held it the entire time. Now I know a lot of pregnant women do the same, but for me it meant a lot. I think I hadn't really dealt with the fact that this baby was still living, that I have inside of me. Now I know that sounds weird but stay with me.
When I had my miscarriages last year I was devastated. I think I got to a point of thinking it would never work or stick for that matter. When we got pregnant off of our miscarriage, I of course was happy but for a while there I think I felt guilt. I hadn't fully dealt with losing that second baby. As I sat and watched the performance last night I realized it's not music necessarily, that brings me a chance to heal from my losses and move forward with the gift I have now, it's the form of seeing a woman who has experienced loss, and who has experienced struggling to get her babies here on earth. I felt empowered. I felt strong. I felt proud to be a mother whose body could carry a baby. Something I hadn't felt before. But on the flip side I sat there and just cried a bit. I longed for the babies I lost. I sat and wondered about them. I wished I had gotten to a place with them I could talk to them like I do with this baby that I'm carrying.
I love being pregnant. It has shown me the lengths my body can and is willing to go. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's been hard and dark at times, but today I can say that I feel strong. Whether my body is weak at times, my soul is strong. I can honestly only thank god for that. The light that has been brought into my life and the courage to keep trying is such a testament for me of the strength god can give us.
For those women out there who have infertility, have lost a baby at any point, or just are pregnant and feeling miserable, this is for you. This for all of us who have felt and dealt with grief. We are strong, we are not weak, and we can do all things. Always remember, you are enough.