About 6 years ago, we were living in Memphis Tennessee. It felt as if I had been ripped from my home and shipped off to a foreign land. It was so different then anything I ever knew. About a year or so into living there I developed some anxiety. Now sure there is a chance I had it before but this was the first time I had actually felt it. I was lonely, few friends, and I really missed home.
Things would get better as id adjust, but I didn’t like that I had to just settle. When the time came we moved back to Utah and of course it was so much easier because I knew where I was and I had a community of people to return home to. I thought my anxiety would go away and it was pretty mellow when I first came back. I had just started getting my photography business off the floor so I was doing a lot to say the least. I remember specifically summer of 2013 I was preparing to go to a wedding with Trent, and we were at breakfast and then next thing I know, full blown panic attack. Tears, hysteria, no idea what was going on, everything. When I took a few minutes to just cry and let it out I found that I really felt better just letting it happen. This happened over the next 3 years. I did therapy and that was amazing for me, and really helped me deal with my anxiety. I truly felt better.
Fast forward to my first pregnancy. I was still so busy and so overwhelmed but I was so happy I was pregnant. I miscarried just a few days later and that was when a lot of my anxiety returned. I went back to therapy, I was trying to deal with this loss and figure out how to get pregnant as soon as possible. Not the best thing for me. I needed a minute to heal. By the time I got pregnant again 5 months later I felt so much better and was so ready for it. I miscarried again a few days later and I will honestly tell you, whether it was because I had had one before or I just was more prepared, I was able to deal with it a lot easier and quicker this time around. I was of course sad but I was prepared I feel like. I got pregnant so quickly again with Rooney and so I honestly think I was able to skip the depression part that round.
Oh man. This was hard for me again. I had never had depression and it came like a wave crashing down on me. I was so sick and I was so depressed. I honestly couldn't even answer the phone half the time. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I wanted to just be left alone. Never did I think I would be this way once I finally got pregnant with my baby. Depression hits us in ways we sometimes don't understand and at times that we don't expect it. Knowing this now I think I will be able to handle the depression come next baby.
I was on cloud nine. All my sadness went away. I was the happiest person you had ever seen and I was so excited and LOVED myself during pregnancy. I know that sounds funny but I really did. I finally was so happy with who I was and what I was doing. I have never felt more whole. Then Rooney came, and I once again and never felt better!!! At about 7 months in, I started to get sad. I started to get a little down and had harder days emotionally. I didn't know how to handle it because I had been doing so good for over a year! I loved Rooney and felt no sadness toward her but yet felt so sad about myself and my body. The only time I could pull out of it was being with her a lot or nursing. In many ways nursing has saved my sanity. It gives me time to be needed and feel empowered.
So what now?
I am now doing okay. I feel better about myself but not where I want to be by any means. I know I will get there but it will take time. My body is so different now but that is okay this is the season of life I am in.
What can we do to help with these feelings???
1. TALK TO SOMEONE. don't be afraid to open up to a friend, or a therapist for that matter. I think one thing I realized early on was I couldn't close people off I had to talk about it so I realized how real it was. So that's how I personally deal with things, I tell people and I get support and advice from others around me. Sometimes we really just want a little love.
2. Go easy on yourself I lost my baby weight really fast and yet beat myself up all the time about my body and what I was doing. I realized that I needed to be easy on myself because I literally carried a baby for 9 months and then had a baby. My boobs are never going to be the same and that is okay! This has all been worth it. I wish I could always feel this way of being happy with where I am at right now. I might be a little more flabby this summer but I am so happy I have a baby girl. She is worth every piece of flab.
3. Get out of the house This winter was BRUTAL. I wanted so bad to go out and do things but of course with the cold it can be hard. I found a ton of museums and other things here in Utah that I could go to and so we were able to stay busy. Even if we went for a drive one day, we seriously always did! We loved just getting out of the house.
4. YOGA or MEDITATION: Find something to help your mind be calmed. For me I love yoga the class RESTORE. It is seriously the only place I can fully let go and just be calm. It truly is amazing. I love it so much and I also know a lot of people LOVE meditation.
5. Have a routine
Routines can make everything easier and help make you feel in control. Find ways to set up a consistent routine or plans to help you feel balanced!
I hope this helps and gives you a place to start. Also remember you are not alone. This world can feel hard and dark but when we realize we are not alone sometimes it can make it feel a little easier.
I love this community and love my sweet girl and sharing our lives with you.
Whoa whoa, time flies by. I knew this would happen, but sitting here with a month old is really just showing me how fast it goes. This past month has been amazing and full of so many changes. I have not worked the past month other then editing, I have been able to focus on being home, and it has been pretty incredible, I wish I could do it all the time. More about that to come.
Rooney was born 5 pounds 3 oz. She was 19 inches long, and has the skinniest little body and legs. It took her about a week or so to even grow into her skin. She has been wearing preemie clothes from the get go, and is barely getting to long for them. Newborn clothes are huge on her still though so we will see how we transition into those or when for that matter.
She was born July 23 at Alta View Hospital in Utah. We spent a week in the hospital due to an infection she had, and were released July 30. We loved being home and starting our life with our little lady. She has been the light of our lives. As for sleeping she has done good! Still not consistent but every couple of days we will get 5 hour stretches. We spend a lot of our day eating, changing diapers, and snuggling and I wouldn't have it any other way.
We had an appointment 2 weeks after she was born and she was 6 pounds and still 19 inches long. She has had a little bit of reflux and spitting up but overall is doing great. We give her a colic relief medicine that has been helping her quite a bit.
I love her coos, her yawns and sounds she makes when she yawns. She is so loud all the time, which isn't shocking coming from me, but I call her a baby pterodactyl. She has a full head of hear and doesn't love the baths because she still has her umbilical cord and so she can't get fully immersed still! She loves her Dock a Tot and her Snoo which I will be talking about soon. She loves to be swaddled, and is pretty dang alert if I don't swaddle her. We can't wait to wear all our cute clothes once we finally can fit in Newborn!
Rooney for one day when you read this, I hope you know that I love you. You truly have changed my life and you are the best thing to happen to me and your dad. We don't get nearly as much sleep, but I've never seen your dad happier, or seen his love for both of us grow so much. We went through some battles to get you, and I thank God everyday that he gifted me with you. I will never be able to show my appreciation for you, so instead I will love you with all my heart your whole life. Thank you for giving us the best month of our lives, we can't wait to raise you!
I have always been a small small boobed girl, we are talking A 32 pretty much my whole life. When I got pregnant with Rooney I jumped up to a 32 DD. Talk about a huge change. While I was loving the change I was hoping it would make it easier to breastfeed with these additions!
When Roo was born, they were huge. I wore these sport bra nursing bras and I’d leak through them so fast and they weren’t super supportive but it was all I knew, so it was working at the time. My milk came in on day 3 which, if you are a woman and have had your milk come in, you know that means you got even bigger!
When we got home I was looking around for a decent bra. Something that would still make me feel normal and a little sexy/pretty.
Then I found Third Love. Cue the music. It was amazing. It snaps in front, they have the most amazing customer service, and it just feels like a normal bra so you don’t feel like a grandma. When my first bra came, we had to send it back for a new size and they had that done within about 2-3 days. I was so pleased with their response time and turnaround time.
So to my mamas about to have a baby and hope to nurse, check them out. If you are not nursing, check them out! They are so comfy and made from heaven. I will say for nursing moms I really prefer the wireless bra.
Make sure to check out their program where you can try the bra out before actually buying. You have 30 days to try it on and then if you don’t mail it back within that time you are charged but otherwise it gives you a chance to try it out and see if it works for you!
If you have any questions please leave them below. 💛💛 let me know if you get one!
Images by Tracy Layne
With fall rolling in and the brisk breeze outside we wanted a big welcome for my favorite time of year. I teamed up with my friend Erica Patten and we had a cozy lovely dinner in my back yard. We pulled inspiration from the colors of the leaves and something that felt warm and cozy. The weather was beginning to drop so we all bundled up in blankets and enjoyed the evening with friends all around us. We ate the yummiest Chicken Parmesan Pot pie, something my mama makes and is perfect for our welcome to fall. The name plates were done by Flora Calligraphy, and florals were done by Rachel Osguthorpe. The whole table scape was done by Emmy Lowe, Erica Patten and Rachel Osguthorpe, adding in a few copper details to set the fall tones. Such a great way to end Summer and begin Fall!
We took our first family trip two weekends ago and it was perfect!
I had to go out to California for some work, and we were super busy on our 8th anniversary, so we decided Trent and Roo would come with me and we would just make a vacation out of it!
We flew in Friday afternoon (more info about flying here), and stayed at the San Diego Hilton Resort and Spa. It was seriously 10 minutes from the airport and tucked away in this quiet little part. We've done San Diego area before but never in the actual city!
When we arrived they were so kind and helpful! They got us checked in, we had a whole pack of treats, and a fridge full of drinks! They left us a fire making kit and items for s’mores to go with our porch fire pit. It was by far Trent’s favorite part of the trip.
Saturday we woke up and went to the pool. They have a big pool and kiddie pool, and Rooney dipped her feet in for the first time that day! They have an awesome water fountain as well that Rooney just loved staring at.
Sunday we went on a walk, had room service, and really got to just have some one on one time. It was so nice to be with the family and take some time for just us. The boardwalk was so close to our room so we took the stroller out and enjoyed the nice breeze a few times a day!
That night we had s’mores by the fire and it was the perfect ending. Snuggling by the fire with my love.
If you are headed for a little getaway, it’s the perfect spot and best service! So glad we were able to stay there!